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| All In My Head - Updated 3/22/07 |
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| I am working on my first DC fanfic. I previously only written Roswell ones, so this is a new challenge. I thought I would post here and see how it goes...
It is the hidden thoughts of Joey during season 5. The prologue of the story is set in season 4. I thought I would just post the first part (The Graduate) and see what you guys think. If you like it I will share the Coda section next. This part is short, and hopefully not too painful.
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[img:e0fba79016]http://www.prettylittlepackages.com/allbanner.jpg[/img:e0fba79016]
[b:e0fba79016]Prologue – The Graduate[/b:e0fba79016]
Where are you? Come on. Come on. I keep scanning the crowd trying to find you. To reach the spot where I can hold your aqua gaze with my own. I know you will be there silently giving me strength with just your eyes. Your eyes that are so large and deep and inviting...like your heart...like your arms. I feel a dull ache in the pit of my stomach because it is getting late and I still haven't found you. It is sort of like playing "Where's Waldo”. I hate that game I was never good at it. I wish I practiced more or that you would be wearing a red striped hat like Waldo does so you’d be easier to find. Or one of your Hawaiian shirts would work. You definitely stand out in a crowd in those.
My eyes keep pulling back to the spot where you should be, where you are supposed to be, right between Mindi Winchester and Scott Young. Maybe if I close my eyes and squeeze real tight you will be there. You have to be.
Andie told me you were graduating with us. She pulled me in for one of her perky hugs right before the ceremony. She whispered [i:e0fba79016]"Our boy did it"[/i:e0fba79016] in my ear, just before she let me go. I guess you are our boy now. No one can lay claims on you or your heart. I certainly cannot. Right?
Ok you're still not here. Maybe if I open my eyes wider. I am just missing you in the crowd. You are probably in the back row. Yep, that's it. You were running late, trying to find a clean shirt, and you didn't want to cause a scene. So you are just standing in the back, behind that sign that says "Congratulations Capeside High Seniors”, behind Mr. Hardy from the pharmacy, behind...
Maybe if I closed my eyes again and count to ten. [i:e0fba79016]One[/i:e0fba79016]...that always worked for us...[i:e0fba79016]two[/i:e0fba79016]...we always gave each other that extra time...[i:e0fba79016]three[/i:e0fba79016]...a chance...where's my chance Pacey?...[i:e0fba79016]four[/i:e0fba79016]...last night made it seem...[i:e0fba79016]five[/i:e0fba79016]...seem like there was more…[i:e0fba79016]six[/i:e0fba79016].....more to do...more to say...more to us...[i:e0fba79016]seven[/i:e0fba79016]...I took it as our sign...[i:e0fba79016]eight[/i:e0fba79016]...you had to know I would think that...[i:e0fba79016]nine[/i:e0fba79016]...I am supposed to ask you to stay today, after graduation...[i:e0fba79016]Ten[/i:e0fba79016]. You're not giving me the chance.
[i:e0fba79016]"I'd like to introduce to you the winner of this year's pinnacle award, senior salutatorian Ms. Josephine Potter!"[/i:e0fba79016]
That's my cue:
[i:e0fba79016]"Principal Peskin, our families, my fellow graduates, I stand here before you aware of the similarities that we share. I know that you're feeling, outside of my incredible stage fright, the same things that I'm feeling-- pride and accomplishment, closure and regret, and a hopeful outlook on the future. But I don't think you need me to elaborate on those feelings. Instead I--I wanted to share something personal and tell you that... that people in my life who are gone now, people I miss very much and people who I am haunted by in different ways, but whether we're separated by death or merely distance, I know that they're still with me because I keep them in my heart. The truth is, in time, that's all that we're going to be to each other anyway, this population of memories, some wonderful and endearing, some less so. But taken together, those memories help make us who we are and who we will be. So whether you're here with each other now or you're merely in each other's thoughts, remember each other on that road ahead. And I hope that no matter where your travels lead you in this life... you'll always take Capeside with you. Congratulations."[/i:e0fba79016]
Did you hear all that sweetheart? Take Capeside with you. Take me with you. |
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| wow. i loved it!
you have so much talent, why have you been hiding it from us? |
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| love it!! more please!! :D |
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| This is the last part of the Graduate section of the prologue. If you guys like it I will post the Coda section too. Thanks for reading.
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Bessie is starting to worry. She says I am acting like a zombie. She thinks I need to spend more time with Dawson, Jack and Jen before they leave. What she doesn’t understand is that I have already left. I am somewhere in the Caribbean, I am catching a fish. I am watching a sunset sipping Jamaican rum. I am where you are.
It has been two weeks and I don’t know where you are. I am starting to lose my ability to function like a human being. I keep getting orders wrong at the Yacht Club. Mrs. Valentine threatens to fire me daily. I just stare at her; unable to process the words she is speaking. She sounds like the adults on Charlie Brown. [i:b459f48b6b]“Waa wonk waa waa wonk”.[/i:b459f48b6b]
Most days I have to remind myself to breathe, to eat, to sleep. Every morning for the past two weeks, I get up look at the caller ID, check the mailbox, my email. [i:b459f48b6b]Nothing.[/i:b459f48b6b] Like I make you feel. Like I am to you.
Drue tries to cheer me up at work. He attempts to ply me with his patented brand of twisted dry humor. I would be laughing, if I could remember how. He never mentions your name. Even though he knows I want him to. I need to talk about you…the words will make you real. [i:b459f48b6b]There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. Pacey come home. Pacey come home.[/i:b459f48b6b] Nothing. I knew Dawson’s belief in the power of movies was crap.
Everybody reminds me that Dawson is leaving soon. I can’t deal with that. First you, and now him. Everything is changing so fast. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It is not how I imagined it. It should have been me and you walking hand in hand seeing Dawson off at the airport. I would tell him he would always be my best friend. You guys would bury the hatchet that hovers over my head and make up. Hug even. Dawson would get on his plane and we would walk off together into the sunset…to Boston…to True Love. Damn you Pacey. Why did you have to mess up our lives? You messed up our story? Oh God. I am starting to sound like Dawson, thinking about the great movie script of life. But you and I Pace, we were supposed to be happily ever after.
Four weeks and I am still here sitting on the docks. Waiting for you. Expecting you to come sailing in on the True Love. I must be a mental case. If I open up and stare at my blaring reality I think I may lose it. I can’t seem to get a handle on this. It just is not possible that you would leave me here alone. You promised me that you would be wherever I was. You never break your promises. I am here Pacey. Where are you?
My life is only filled with fantasies and images that will never be. It is just so much safer here in my mind, with you. In my mind I can almost feel your lips brush across my shoulder as you pull me in closer. Your hands grasping the back of my head, cradling it, massaging it, easing me closer. I lean in to caress your mouth with mine and you always moan before my lips even touch yours. You know what it tastes like. I know that you want to feel this forever. I wrap my arms around your neck, leaning in closer. I can never seem to get close enough to you. Our kiss deepens and the heat rises as you pull me close, hold me tighter, as if you want me to become a part of you. So I urge myself closer and closer and we are like one body. Intertwined and lost in this kiss that seems like it will last forever. Almost.
I know you are not calling, writing, coming. You are not anything. I am not a moron. I can easily read between the mind numbing silence. We are through. Over. Period. But if I get up and walk away from this place and never come back. Never look back. Then it will be real. I will have to admit to what I know is true. You are not coming home. You are not coming home to me.
Every day Dawson comes and sits next to me here on the dock. We talk about movies, old times, the future. Never about you. It has been really nice being close to him again. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until now. I feel guilty about neglecting him, but mostly about neglecting you. All the wrongs I have done over the past year hang heavily around my neck. It forces my shoulders to droop and my eyes to remain averted in shame. I spent so much time worrying about my friendship with Dawson that I failed you. I failed us. I didn’t make you see that you were the most important person in my life. I took you for granted. I just knew without hesitation or question that you loved me enough to handle my need to have Dawson in my life. I took it for granted that no matter what I said or did; you would never leave. I believed in our love that much. It just felt like forever.
Dawson let it slip that you called him. He doesn’t fool me. He wanted me to know that you wanted to talk to him and not me. His eyes never wavered when he spoke the words. The timber of his voice even and rehearsed. [i:b459f48b6b]“I talked to Pacey last night. He didn’t want to speak to you. He didn’t even want you to know that he called”.[/i:b459f48b6b] Was there a hint of satisfaction in Dawson’s gaze? Was he mentally adding another hash mark in the win column of his score sheet for the battle of my heart? He quickly shielded his eyes so that I could not try to decipher the hidden truths they always revealed.
I guess I should thank him. That little tidbit of information is what got me to get off my ass and walk away from the water. He unstuck me. As usual, he has helped me make sense of my life. You were a high school love. I have graduated, so high school and you are in the past. Time to lock you away with all my other memories. Summers by the creek, movie nights with Dawson, my mother’s smile, the pain my father’s eyes, and you above me, brushing the hair back from my face. [i:b459f48b6b]“I am Capeside”.[/i:b459f48b6b] I won’t let you haunt me. Time to forge ahead. In just a few short weeks, I will be getting my biggest wish. This is my chance to leave Capeside behind. |
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| :cry: :cry: :|
i'm sorry, you must think i'm a moron, but that actually made me cry.
but that was really sad, and excellent. please write more, maybe about season 5? that might make it more bearable... |
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