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| Those are really great, Slyn and an idea I never thought of before..... Joey's secret thoughts and feelings. Good Stuff. |
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| Thanks guys for all your kind words of encouragement. Here is the first part of Coda.
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[b:ee7c599814]Chapter 1 – Coda[/b:ee7c599814]
Jack, Jen, Dawson and I spent our last day together. We did the usual, hung out at the docks, walked around town, mused about a life filled with cynicism and melancholy. Now we are on our way to the movies. Just a typical boring day in Capeside. Lately I have been surfing on a wave of nostalgia, so I can’t help but wish we could get just a few more days like this. When this night is over things will never be quite the same again.
I blocked you out of my mind for most of the day. I had left the dock, left you behind. I had moved on. It is really not all that hard to forget. Just little by little I let you slip away. I soften the image of your face that I constantly see in my mind. First your smile fades from a brilliant white to a dull gold, as it blends in with the rest of your face. The curls of your hair swirl into a mass of cottony nothingness. Your nose, your scar, your long eyelashes all blur into a soft glow. I tucked that blurred image of you in a dark back corner of my mind, where I can just barely know its there. Just barely.
Then Jen started in on me. I struggle to keep you locked away in that dark corner. I admit that I have been zoning out a lot lately. I am sure she thinks this is about Dawson leaving. Because there really is nothing else going on in my life now right? Like she can’t see this gaping and oozing wound in the center of my chest? Of course it is all about Dawson.
[i:ee7c599814]“You gonna miss him?” [/i:ee7c599814]Can’t she tell? I missed you while you were still here. The way your eyes always met mine, so honest, so open. I could always read your eyes. Why couldn’t I see your pain? Why wouldn’t I? Oh right. Dawson.
[i:ee7c599814]“Aren’t you?” [/i:ee7c599814] Jen always seems to be looking for more. It is as if she can read minds, but just wants you to say stuff out loud to prove her right. Tonight, I can’t tell where she is going with this.
[i:ee7c599814]“Yeah, but that’s different”. [/i:ee7c599814] Is she trying to slip me up? Is she trying to make this about you and me?
I take the bait. [i:ee7c599814]“How’s it different?”[/i:ee7c599814]
[i:ee7c599814]“Cause I had all summer to get sick of Dawson and his quirks, his foibles. All those annoying little things that he does that make you just want to throw him into the creek.” [/i:ee7c599814] Yeah like tickle you mercilessly to lighten the mood. Or push all your buttons just to get a rise out of you because he thinks you look hot when you are pissed. Or how he drops whisper soft kisses on your shoulder just because…
[i:ee7c599814]“He is rather annoying, isn’t he?”[/i:ee7c599814] Dawson. It’s about Dawson.
[i:ee7c599814]“Oh God, yeah.” [/i:ee7c599814] I think Jen must be losing her wise sage powers, because she is completely off her game tonight. How come no one will bring up your name? You’re gone. Dawson.
[i:ee7c599814]“I mean the way he makes you sit through all the credits at the end of the movie.”
“Ha! Out of respect for the filmmaker, of course.”
“And the incessant picture-taking and crushing self analysis.”[/i:ee7c599814] Pictures. That is all we are now a shoebox full of pictures. How can the most incredibly, exasperatingly, exhilarating time of my life be contained in a shoebox? How can a picture even capture us? You are everywhere. No I have got to stop this. I have to let you go. But how can I make us a memory when every time I look at the ocean, I see the blue green of your eyes?
[i:ee7c599814]“Not to mention that thing he does where he puts up on a pedestal and makes you the center of his universe. God…if you asked him to stay, he would.”[/i:ee7c599814] True love doesn’t have to ask.
[i:ee7c599814]“What? Give up the movie-making chance of a lifetime just so he can bum around Capeside for another summer?”[/i:ee7c599814] I don’t want to hold anyone back. Not Dawson, not myself, not you. I just need someone to hold me and tell me that I am going to be ok. That I am going to move on and do great things. That I am going be able to smile again and mean it.
[i:ee7c599814]“Ha ha ha. I don’t think he’d see it as such a bad trade-off.”[/i:ee7c599814] I think I am going to be sick. My stomach is churning just like it did on my first night aboard the True Love. You whispered soothingly in my ear about how we are one with the sea. Not to fight the motion, but to let my body relax and move with the flow. You with your arms wrapped around me so tightly. I felt so safe and so loved. I drifted to your whispers, moved with your gentle sway, which mimicked the waves of the ocean. I could have stayed like that forever.
[i:ee7c599814]“What makes you think that I want him to stay?”[/i:ee7c599814] Wanting is not enough anyway. Time machines, fairy dust, and wishes are what I need.
[i:ee7c599814]“You really want to know?”[/i:ee7c599814]Come on Jen. I know she is about to do that freaky mind reading thing now. It must be written all over my face. I am drowning in this pain. She must see it.
[i:ee7c599814]“Yeah.”[/i:ee7c599814]
[i:ee7c599814]“It’s this little voice inside my head that says “I like your hair color. What number is that?”[/i:ee7c599814] Oh my god, the aliens have landed and stolen the real Jen Lindley. This has got to be an imposter. The real Jen would have known that if anything it would have been about me seeing her kissing you in the Starlight Ballroom coatroom and not freaking hair dye. Jenny from New York knew that I loved you with more than I had, more than I could, and that it still wasn’t as much as you deserved. The salt air burns the hole in my chest, or maybe it is the tears burning in my eyes that I can’t let fall.
[i:ee7c599814]“You still hate me, don’t you?”[/i:ee7c599814]
[i:ee7c599814]“No I don’t hate you.”[/i:ee7c599814] I feel my anger rise. For a fleeting moment, I am starting to hate her. Jen you were my last hope, my lifeline. Now there is no one who can help me make this right. Who is going to help me ship myself to the Caribbean, write [i:ee7c599814] I love you [/i:ee7c599814] across the sky, scream loud enough so you will listen when I say, [i:ee7c599814] all I need is you? [/i:ee7c599814] Then it hits me. I am the one who has been body snatched by aliens. This is my life now.
[i:ee7c599814]“I mean I don’t get it Jen. I mean how am I supposed to feel about this. Am I supposed to feel good knowing that I have the power to change somebody’s life?”[/i:ee7c599814] The last time I had the power I used it for evil. I took your heart and trashed it. I know I did. I saw it lying in the garbage for weeks. We left it there, abandoned; we never even tried to pick it up. You didn’t have the strength and I didn’t have the courage. I know you thought I didn’t know, but I did. The minute I spoke the words. [i:ee7c599814]“No. I have not slept with Pacey.” [/i:ee7c599814] I saw your heart tumble soundlessly into the dumpster. I turned away just before, barely glimpsing the slight splatter of blood. Or was it a single tear that rolled from your eyes to spill at my feet? I deserve this hell. And you deserve more than me.
[i:ee7c599814]“I don’t know. I mean, I think that we all have the power to change each other’s lives. The question is…are you going to use it?”[/i:ee7c599814] I wanted to warn her to beware of the power. Respect it. Use it only for good. Instead I just shrugged.
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| almost makes you afraid to fall in love
slyn, you just made coda a lot more bearably. now all we need is to kill the kiss...
honestly, i'd never read a fic that made me cry until i read yours. |
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| yea u made it alot more barable :D please dont include the kiss gurl! make us happy and make Joey realize that it is WRONG!!
great update! cant wait until the next one! :D |
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| yeah omg see if they would have included all this in the episode than i would have actually liked coda. nice work slyn keep writing. and like they said leave out the kiss please. |
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