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| Thanks to all you are reading this thing here. Here is the last part of the prologue. I know most of you will hate it, but I had to include the kiss. I am staying true to the show so....love it or hate it - Dawson and Joey kissed in Coda.
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[b:67f47d804a]Chapter 1 - Coda pt 2[/b:67f47d804a]
I am here in this room like I have been so many nights in my life. This bedroom seems foreign, as if I have been transported to another dimension. Tonight Dawson’s bedroom seems like an alternate universe. ET keeps looking at me from his post on Dawson’s dresser. He can see through me. He knows I am a fraud. I am sitting here like a good Joey, always playing the dutiful best friend and erstwhile soul mate. I can’t help but feel a little uncomfortable that this is the first time Dawson and I have hung out like this since you and I were together. I guess now that you left me, I have regained right of entry into Dawson’s lair. Lucky me.
Of course, I have missed him. It has been really hard adjusting my life to not focus on him. I had to suppress the urge many times to climb that ladder to his room and share all the joy, pain, and beauty that was us. No matter how ok he pretends to be, I know that he never really accepted us as real. In his mind we were just another plot twist, an obstacle for the hero to overcome. I know how the script in his mind plays out. Lately, I have been beginning to think that maybe Dawson scripted us right. We really are just a bump in the road. Another chapter of my youth in Capeside. [i:67f47d804a] I was just the hopeless dreamer that saw forever in your eyes. Not the smartest move to plan your life around cheesy love song lyrics.[/i:67f47d804a] The romantic, daring, optimistic Joey that you brought out that summer on the True Love, was just a role. The real Joey is sullen, guarded, scared – alone. I am always left alone. Except for Dawson, he has always been here. But how long will that be the case?
This incessant dialogue in my head with you – I mean Pacey, must stop. If a microphone were plugged into my brain these days, I would be quickly carted off to the nearest asylum. I wonder if this is how Andie felt when she started talking to her dead brother. Maybe Dawson was right after all, and Pacey was the one who drove her batty. He is certainly proving to be an unhealthy influence on my psyche.
A part of me really wants to give Andie a call in Italy, to ask her advice about moving away on your own, getting over boys with aquamarine eyes and heart-stopping grins, or maybe I would just ask her for the number of her shrink. I am definitely losing it.
It was sort of okay to talk to Pacey in my head while we were still together. My silly habit of thinking of him whenever I needed a quick pick me up or a shot of confidence, made sense. I would ultimately get to relay my imaginary conversations with you – [i:67f47d804a]him – I mean him,[/i:67f47d804a] the next time we were together. There is no hope of that now. I officially have an imaginary friend, an imaginary boyfriend no less.
ET has always been one of my favorite movies, but I don’t really think I got its meaning until tonight. Elliott was this kid, reeling from his parents’ divorce, and feeling invisible as the middle child. When all of a sudden he meets a best friend who changes his life forever. ET helps Elliott have fun again, believe again, and most of all love again. He has to do amazingly courageous things to protect his friend from the forces and people that want to hurt him. It is quiet incredible.
Since I live in the self-involved world of Capeside, I can’t help but see parallels to my own life. Dawson was this incredible light in my life at times when I needed him most. Through the laughter, tears, and incessant self-analysis, it was always Dawson and Joey. Sitting in this room, watching ET with him for the zillionth time is making it all the more clear. No matter what happens in my life, Dawson is always there. We survived my mom’s cancer, lunchtime in junior high, break-ups, and even Pacey. I think he is the only constant in my life. The only one who never left me. Now he is going to LA. Three thousand miles away and I am terrified. I don’t know how to live my life without him. It’s so pathetic. I barely want to admit it to myself. I want him to stay. A part of me can’t help but want it to be like this always. Dawson and Joey watching movies in his bedroom, away from all the brutality of real life. He thinks I am crying because of the movie, but really I am crying for him. I don’t want to lose him too.
He is happily packing right now. I know he has visions of tinsel town dancing in his head. And I am happy for him. He is living his dream. Yet why can’t I stop these nasty twinges of jealousy from rising within me? I truly want Dawson to go and make it big. I do. I just can’t help but envy his unwavering pursuit of his goals. I wish I had something like that in my life. A goal that defines me. All I have ever wanted was to escape. Escape this town, escape the whispers, escape myself.
[i:67f47d804a]“I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You're worse than a girl, Dawson Leery”.
“That's good. Emasculate me. It's only the last time you're ever gonna see me. Well, for Christmas, I suppose.”[/i:67f47d804a] I guess Thanksgiving at Grams is out this year.
[i:67f47d804a]“Which is 6 months away, half a lifetime. You know by then you'll be married to the first bimbo who slips you her headshot.”
“And you'll be shacked up with the first guy who offers you a hit off his beer bong.”[/i:67f47d804a] His statement rattles me. I haven’t thought of being with anyone besides Pacey in so long. Crazy me for thinking I had found my perfect guy. I can’t believe I was deluded enough to think that I would be with my high school boyfriend forever. That only happened in the fifties.
[i:67f47d804a]“Right. I wish we could just fast-forward 4 years, and see how it all ends up.”[/i:67f47d804a] If any of us still know each other. Sometimes I think that a clean break would be best. I would be forced to stand on my own and not use the past as my crutch. Yet I can’t even imagine life without Dawson in it or Jack or Jen. Especially without him. Wait, that’s the life I am leading now though isn’t it? One month Pacey-free and loving it. Maybe I can psyche myself into believing that.
[i:67f47d804a]“I don't have to, really. I mean... 4 years at Worthington, you'll be a pedigreed professional.”[/i:67f47d804a] But a professional what? Even with college looming before me, all I can clearly see is food service in my future.
[i:67f47d804a]“And you?”[/i:67f47d804a] Big time director, jet setting, living a fabulous life – the model of a small town boy who made good on his potential, no one’s life is more golden than yours Dawson.
[i:67f47d804a]“I'll be working the graveyard shift over at Kinko’s. Stop by and say hi.”[/i:67f47d804a] Yeah right.
[i:67f47d804a]“Mm-hmm. Dawson...”
“Yeah.”
“ I know we always joke about this, but... I feel like I'm never gonna see you again.”[/i:67f47d804a] I immediately want to swallow those words back. I must seem so needy.
[i:67f47d804a]“That's crazy talk, Jo.”
“I know. I-- I know I'll see you again, and it probably won't be too long from now, you know, holidays, most likely, but... you'll be different.”[/i:67f47d804a] I hate change. It is never for the better. Every time things change you trade some good for bad. Kissing Dawson when I was fifteen changed everything. It sent our friendship on a dizzying downward spiral that I don’t think we will ever fully recover from. Kissing Jack hurt Dawson, made Jack gay. Wait, that’s not right. Kissing AJ made him run into the arms of another girl. Then there was kissing Pacey. Oh god, I shouldn't even go there. Maybe change is not bad - kissing is.
[i:67f47d804a]“I will?”
“Well, you'll have a tan. And you'll have a girlfriend.”[/i:67f47d804a] Wow. I actually want him to have a girlfriend. This is a first.
[i:67f47d804a]“I will?”
“She'll be incredibly pretty.”[/i:67f47d804a] A bosomy blond, just the way you like them.
[i:67f47d804a] “Really?”
“You'll show me a picture, I'll immediately hate her, and the worse part is, deep down, I'll know she's as great as you say she is because...you like her.”
“You sound pretty sure about all this.”
“Well, you can't keep it a secret forever, Dawson.”
“What's that?”
“How incredible you are.”[/i:67f47d804a] Dawson has this Peter Pan type quality, that no matter what life throws at him, he remains unaffected in his own world. It must be nice to be able to insulate yourself from reality like that. I know he thinks that his life is filled with drama, but compared to the rest of us, Dawson Leery is pretty damn lucky.
[i:67f47d804a]“Ok, film student... all-time favorite movie.”
“You want to play that game?”[/i:67f47d804a] The last time I played this game was on the True Love. Although somehow whenever Pacey and I played, the questions would keep venturing into “R” rated territory. [i:67f47d804a]Like which Simpsons character would you want to sleep with? What would you do to me if I were handcuffed to your bed? When was the first time you noticed the cuteness of my butt?[/i:67f47d804a] Its amazing Dawson and I never came up with any of these questions in all the years we played together.
[i:67f47d804a]“ Jaws. You, all-time favorite song.”[/i:67f47d804a] I need to find a new favorite song. I can’t even think of the song now without being transported back to clandestine kisses shared that spring, before my life was dramatically altered forever. Kissing is definitely bad.
[i:67f47d804a]“Daydream Believer. Most embarrassing moment.”
“Uh... that would have to be when the whole school watched me make out with Eve.”
“What are you talking about? That did wonders for your street cred.”[/i:67f47d804a] I don't recall him getting more dates though.
[i:67f47d804a]“Ok. You, same question.”
“Hmm. That's easy. Right here in this room when I offered to have sex with you, and you turned me down cold.”[/i:67f47d804a] Not my finest hour. Thank God you stopped me. I was such a silly ass girl to think that sex could make things better. Look what it did to Pacey and me. Look what it still managed to do to you and me.
[i:67f47d804a]“Y-y-y-yeah. Hey, could we introduce the "hugest all-time regret" category, because that would pretty much be mine.”
“Mine would be... lying to you about sleeping with Pacey.”[/i:67f47d804a] I wait for the usual knots that form whenever I think about Dawson and sex. It is not that I regret being with Pacey. How could I? I guess I feel bad about leaving Dawson behind. We always did everything together. Not that I was fantasizing about a threesome or anything. I fell in love, and sort of grew up without him. The realization that a part of me would never again be the Joey Potter who's biggest wish was to be with Dawson Leery, is at times hard to fathom.
[i:67f47d804a]“That's not funny.”[/i:67f47d804a] I can’t believe he is laughing. Why did he ever ask me about sleeping with Pacey in the first place? Has he never heard of don’t ask, don’t tell?”
[i:67f47d804a]“Not, it's that-- I just-- I'm the only one who has not had sex. I--I didn't plan on graduating a virgin. What--what happened?”[/i:67f47d804a] At least one of us was strong enough to resist the Witter charms. Am I a bad person because I am happy he didn’t sleep with Gretchen?
[i:67f47d804a]“Best laid plans...”
“This mythical college girlfriend I'm gonna have, will she have sex with me?”
“Mm...no, sorry. She's a prude.”
“Damn. I had such high hopes the last American virgin would fare better as an undergrad.”
“All-time most life altering moment.”
“Ever?”
“Ever.”[/i:67f47d804a] A barrage of images floods my mind. The last time I saw my mother smile, my father's sad brown eyes that mirrored my own, kisses on the side of the road, and one cold winter's night by the fire.
[i:67f47d804a]“Well... there are a lot of winners there. But, you know, there was this one moment, um... a couple years ago... in this room. I was standing over there by the window, and, uh... and you kissed me. It changed everything. It's a pretty powerful thing when you get your biggest wish in one moment.”[/i:67f47d804a] It confused me, scared me, made me giddy. I thought I could never feel that good again. All those years of pent up anticipation, as I hopefully waited for Dawson to truly see me. Not the too tall tomboy, but the real me, underneath all my prickles and thorns. The me that dreamed of far off places, white picket fences, and open minds. The Joey that believed in happily ever afters. Maybe if Dawson finally saw the real me, then everyone else would too. Who knew that there was already someone else out there who noticed me, who saw into my soul? Who knew that his kisses would make me search for superlatives far better than good, to describe the way they made me feel?
I'll just ask him to stay. It was those very words that made everything make sense with Pacey. I knew exactly what I wanted after he painted that simple phrase. Maybe the same will work on Dawson. Because my world is spinning off its axis and I need this to stop.
[i:67f47d804a]“Dawson... I want you to stay.”
“Excuse me?”[/i:67f47d804a]
I can't believe I just said that. I can see by the look on his face that he is confused. That makes two of us. What is he thinking? How is it that I don't know anymore? Come on Joey, don't panic - handle...
[i:67f47d804a]“I said, I want you to stay. And there, I said it.”
“You don't think you could have maybe said something before I packed?”
“No, I said it, and now I want you to forget it.”
“Forget it? Jo, how do I forget that?”
“Well, it's just something that I've been thinking about, and I wanted you to know that I was thinking about it. You know, I was just gonna... keep my mouth shut and let you go... but... It's not me. That's some merchant ivory movie, you know, where people suffer in silence, and you're supposed to be so impressed by their restraint. Well... you know... sorry, but screw that. My best friend in the whole world is leaving tomorrow, and a big part of me wants him to stay... so I hope you don't hate me.”[/i:67f47d804a]
Who was I kidding? I know all about suffering in silence. I am just a selfish coward who is too afraid to grow up without her best friend in the world by her side. Why is it so easy to ask that of Dawson, but not him?
[i:67f47d804a]“I could never hate you, Joey... and not for lack of trying, either.”[/i:67f47d804a] Would he hate me if he knew I was doing this? I have never once asked him to stay with me.
[i:67f47d804a]“These past couple of years, it's been one big soap opera. I wouldn't take it back. I wouldn’t... take any of it back, but... I'm glad that it's over. 'Cause I like the way things are now. My life being the cruel joke that it is, now that things are so nice... you're leaving.”[/i:67f47d804a] I feel like crying because I mean every word. I am betraying Pacey all over again.
[i:67f47d804a]“Jo... if I thought for one second it was the right thing to do, I would stay, but it's time to go. It's time for me to get out of this room, and it's time for you to discover who you are without us. This chapter's over, Jo. I can feel it.”[/i:67f47d804a] I can’t stop the tears that falling heavily down my face now. Life as I know it is rapidly changing, and I am powerless to stop it.
[i:67f47d804a]“Do you believe in magic? I never used to. I mean, how could I? 13, your mom dies. You hope against hope for--for magic, something to make it all better. It never comes, and, you know, you look to your father who's unable to overcome all of his tragic flaws. Well, no abracadabra there. And then there's Pacey. Well... any magic that was there, that ran out, didn't it? But, uh, then there's you. There's proof that someone out there is thinking of me... my friend who was with me always. It's pure magic. I guess this is pretty much just a long-winded way of saying that, um... I'm gonna miss you, Dawson.”
“I'm gonna miss you, too, Joey.”
“Well, I guess it's getting late, and you need to rest, so... it kind of makes me wish that the ladder was still out there... make a classy exit, you know? Disappear out the window into the night.”[/i:67f47d804a] Or sail off into the sunset.
[i:67f47d804a]“Yeah. Far more cinematic.”
“Wow. I guess this is, uh... this is really it, huh?” Yep the big goodbye scene.
“See you, Dawson.”
“I'll see you, Joey.”[/i:67f47d804a]
Then I get what I needed for so long. As his arms gently hold me in this goodbye hug. I feel a sense of peace rush over my body. I rest my chin on his shoulder and absorb his warmth. I have wanted someone to hug me for so long. I just needed the contact. Something to make me remember I am still here. Alive. I don’t want to let go, because when he steps away I will be left cold again. He doesn’t move and neither do I. We are caught in this trance that seems to transcend time. We are Dawson and Joey at eight, at twelve, at sixteen. We are swimming in the creek, playing Indiana Jones in the backyard, we are making a film – we are happy. We are reveling in this safe place where our memories surround us, and the uncertainty of the future has no power to tear us apart. If I stay like this much longer I may never be able to let him go, so I break the spell.
[i:67f47d804a]“So what was yours, by the way?”
“What was my what?”
“Your all-time most life altering moment?”
“For all I know, it could be this one right now... saying good-bye to you.”[/i:67f47d804a]
Then he takes it there, like he always does, blurring the lines of friends and lovers once again. We kiss and it is sweet, soft and gentle. There is an innocence to the kiss that makes me smile inside. I am not nervous, my heart is not racing, and I am not consumed with desire. I am content, and I feel completely loved. In this moment, I think no one loves me more than Dawson Leery. A little voice in my head whispers [i:67f47d804a]‘ no one ever has and no one ever will’[/i:67f47d804a]. I want to tell that voice to go to hell. I know that there is someone else that loves every inch of me. [i:67f47d804a]I think I know[/i:67f47d804a]. Instead I give in to another kiss, just as sweet as the first, but somehow better. It makes me agree with that little whispering voice. In this moment, I can only believe in Dawson’s love, for it is all I have. There will be no more thoughts of Pacey Witter tonight.
I am safe and warm in Dawson’s arms and it feels right. There is no other place for me to be. As he hugs me again, I can feel myself breathing and I can faintly detect the steady rhythm of my heart. With my chin once again resting on his shoulder, I allow myself to relax. I ease into a small smile. My first genuine one in a month and it is all because of Dawson. It makes me feel good. It almost makes me feel alive.
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| Slyn,
Damn Good.
Thanks,
Chuck |
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| good writing but ur right i didn't like it. NO D/J MOMENTS!!!! |
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| Outstanding slyn.............. |
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