| Entry 1
I pull up at yet another dock. Another place, another group of people, Another girl, another name forgotten the next morning. Another night with no-strings attatched. I think I’m falling in love with this place. Well, I would be if my heart wasn’t back in Capeside, preparing for Boston. I feel like I made one good decision. Only one, and even though I hated it, it made me feel better. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that jazz. I’m just hoping that she’ll forgive me, and that my absence hasn’t made her grow fonder of someone else. I could almost hear the triumph he felt when I told him not to say I called. Like he was storing it up to break her heart again, although I did a pretty good job the first time. He disgusts me. I disgust me.
I still love her with every beat of my heart. Maybe I always will. But I believe in signs. I guess she wondered why I wasn’t at graduation. I wonder if she even knows I graduated. I guess she does. I called Andie in Italy. She tells me not to give up on True Love. But if losing the boat wasn’t a sign that I would let true love slip away, then I don’t know what it was. But Andie seems calm. As if she’s over me, so maybe there is hope. She’s doing good. I guess she’s one of the only Capeside memories I can look back on and flippantly remark on, you know, the old Witter charm and sarcastic commentary. I can still say Andie’s name without feeling the hurt, although that sounds strange, since I should still be hurt by her. Jen and Jack, they’re cool. But thinking of them, only brings me to one conclusion: soulmates. Right now, that isn’t a very appealing line of thought.
If only the prospect of seeing her again didn’t scare me so much, I’d be back there right now, begging for True Love to get another chance. But I’m stronger than that. And I’m doing just what she did; even though we both sacrificed love to do it. I’m finding myself. Although I guess when I broke up with her, I’d forgotten that finding myself meant losing her. Well, maybe that’s too harsh. But it’s kind of true. I’ve spoken to her since. She knows I love her. But I couldn’t bring myself to say I was leaving. Ask me to stay wasn’t an option this time, because I know she would have done if I’d let her. She may have said she couldn’t hold me back, but did she love me enough to go through the whole year again? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe right now she’s in his arms, begging HIM to stay.
I’m not going back to Capeside for a while. Too painful. Like Jen says, you can never really go back home again. I know I can’t. Capeside isn’t home. Home, to me is wherever she is. She doesn’t know it but I’ll always be with her. Not in a stalker kind of way, but in her heart. I hope she’s patient enough to wait. I count myself to sleep every night, but I can’t sleep now. I can’t do it tonight. I can’t bring myself to say “ten”. I can barely write it down. Joey Potter, are you still waiting? |
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