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| hi :)
in case you hadn't gathered, i'm back, and full of ideas!
thanks for the nice comments guys, they mean a lot to me (especially coming from you duke)
i'll be posting the next part in the next hour or so...
:lol: i bet ya didnt even miss me.... :roll:
pj_sailin x |
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| We missed ya....I have been dying to see what is going to happen next.
I hope you wrote Lots on your vacation :lol:
So hurry up and post it. |
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| here's the first part of entry 5... the second part is written by Pacey a few hours on...
[u:e2e42e92ff]Entry 5[/u:e2e42e92ff]
Well. Wonder what the sheriff would make of this one. Witter is in Boston. Sweet, sweet Boston. The harbour’s clean, the people are friendly and the girls… even I can’t deny that the girls are a plus side to this job. I’ve been calling Dougie, telling him everything. Sometimes he gives me good advice and makes me feel a whole lot better, but other times I’m almost convinced he’s straight. Hah! Kidding, kidding. After a week or so I’m getting the ol’ sense of humour back in gear.
Melanie took the boat back to give to one of her law school friends. So right now, she stays on campus at Law School and I stay on Daddy’s boat. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice enough boat but it isn’t free. Well, economically its cheap enough, but otherwise… what can I say? What is Melanie gonna expect? More to the point, when Joey finds out I’m here-which she will, then will she care about seeing me with another woman? Will she know? And is it a risk I’m willing to take. I used to feel so sure, so safe. Now I’m…vulnerable. And it sucks. It sucks up one side and down the other. But Melanie isn’t important. She’s like a safety net (which is harsh…but true). When/if I’m ready to be serious about a woman that isn’t the love of my life, I’ll tell Melanie goodbye. In other words, don’t take your foot off the dock until the other is firmly on the boat. Oh god, I sound bitter. I don’t want to be bitter. I just want to hear her voice, to tell her I love her and that I’m here, waiting. Waiting to grow up, and waiting to know that she’s over him. It may never happen, but it’s a nice enough dream. But I can’t call. I’m not ready, and I can’t quit just when I’m starting to feel stronger. I gave up on getting her out of my head (not saying her name, imagining her with Dawson), because I realised that no matter what he is to her, no matter how great a friendship they have, they are a pretty sucky couple. The love that they have (which borders on to pathological concern in Joey’s case) is too father/daugher/brother/sister-esque. I just close my eyes, and focus. Boston. Not Capeside. I‘m moving forwards.
Dougie’s trying to convince me to take this job in some restaurant. He said, get this, he actually had the nerve to go “well Pace, cookery may be more of a thing for the ladies but it’s the only class you took in high school that mom would willingly talk to the teacher of.”
Thanks a bunch Dougie.
But I’m not sure if a restaurant is the best place for me anyway. Memories, you know? But I am trying to live on my own, so it probably would be good for me. I’m moving forwards. Although, I can’t tell Doug just yet. I’m lying low for a week or two. Why? Hmm. I’ll give you a clue. An old woman, a gay youth and a beautiful New-Yorker moving into a Bostonian house, and that very same beautiful -blonde- New- Yorker shopping in my K-Mart. I bumped into Jen Lindley this morning. Well, actually, yesterday morning. It’s gone midnight. Apparently Doug told her I was here, but she still managed to look suitably surprised before she let slip that she ;ready knew where I was. I was buying some food (the usual- Cheerio’s, potato chips, milk and a box of cookies. Comfort food. Heh) She was in the store, and she stalked me back to the boat. “So this is where you’ve been hiding”
Hiding? That’s about right. “I’m not hiding, I’m resting. And contemplating a new lifestyle” A lie. Hmm, I’m getting better at those. First Dawson, now Jen. I don’t think Dawson and I will ever get back to the way we were (half of me wishes I could get things back, half of me wishes I could just shoot the guy) and Jen and I were barely close. Physically, yeah we were close. Physically, I was closer to her than Dawson was. He never even contemplated sleeping with the girl for all I know.
[i:e2e42e92ff] You wanna nail her? [/i:e2e42e92ff] ha.
I don’t regret lying to her, cos I did a lot of it yesterday. We talked for hours. Most of what she said (about jack and Grams and Andie and what-not) went in one ear and out the other. But what I can remember has kept me up ‘til 2am.
Jen has promised to keep my whereabouts secret for a month or so, but even she no longer understands. She doesn’t understand me, and she doesn’t get Joey. She can’t see past the boy who had sex with his teacher, and usually loses the girl in the end. She can’t forget that Joey was a bitch to her when she got together with Dawson. She remembers that Jo still held a grudge when Jen broke Dawson’s heart. Jen and Joey are friends, but I don’t know if they’ll ever be close.
But back to the conversation- Dawson left for LA a few weeks ago, and Joey had a goodbye scene. It wasn’t even the type of goodbye scene I always imagined- with me telling her I had to leave, and hoping she’d ask me to stay before she firmly and sarcastically turned me down. Apparently, Jen grilled her beforehand. The verdict of Doctor Jen: He Is Still The Love Of Her Life. She told me everything that happened. And the Joey that Jen described is not the Joey I fell in love with. I like to think that the Joey that is in Capeside now isn’t my Joey- she’s just a girl filling in, being a good little girl and doing typical Joey-like things from before she knew me. My Joey is here with me, making me prove myself, and not clinging to the last little piece of love she has for Dawson and building on that simply to shut me out. If I went back, I sometimes wonder if she’d come away again quite so readily. But after all, she did tell me I wouldn’t have to ask. I know that she knows I love her. I think she knows just how much I still love her. I hope she knows that I’ll always love her. But I’m unsure whether she knows that I’ll love her because of whatever happens with Dawson Leery, not in spite of it- if that made any sense. Joey is the Love Of My Life. I’m just a teenager, I don’t understand why I love her, but no matter what my age, I know that I’ll love her forever. It scares me though, to ask; Who Is The Love Of Little Joey Potter’s Life?
One thing Jen said made my blood run cold.
[i:e2e42e92ff] They don’t mean to hurt anybody and they’ll probably end up hurting themselves. But I have to tell you; if you see her again there’s every chance she’ll be with him. And you’ll need to come to terms with that to understand why she did it. She hasn’t stopped loving you, but come on Pace, we’re talking about Dawson Leery here. Joey and Dawson. Dawson and Joey. Soul mates, best friends, lovers blah blah blah end of story. Pacey, I don’t know what went on between you, or what you said when you were alone, but I’m trying to look out for you-so if you can, I think you shoul just leave them to it for a while. Otherwise, who knows who she’ll chose this time around?” [/i:e2e42e92ff]
I couldn’t think of anything to say to that. 5 million different memories were running through my head:
“You wouldn’t have to ask, Pace”
“ I’ve known it since the moment you kissed me and maybe even before that”
“While he wasn't looking, I developed this bizarre, gravitational pull towards his best friend and I can't stop thinking about him or wanting to be near him or wanting to kiss him all the time”
“We'd still end up right back here. And I don't think I know where here is.”
“The little mermaid can not take her eyes from the ship, or from the beautiful Prince. The colour of lanterns had been extinguished.”
“Just… can you do me a favour? In the future when you're dealing with life and death matters… remember that you're thinking for two.”
“You know who that guy you reacted like is going to be in 10 years, Pace? The person who knows me best. Dawson knows my past. My future lies with you. Think about it, you know you didn't even like me three years ago.”
“You know, your mom should get a medal. Because she raised the perfect boy. And maybe things like that just tumble out of my mouth because I happen to be head over heels in love with you. The scary thing is, I think it's true.”
I have to push all of these thoughts out of my head. I see her in my dreams often enough.
I sat with Jen in silence until she excused herself. Just before I left, I realised that Jen was my friend, and that I had to at least try to make her understand. As she grabbed her coat, the words just came tumbling out of my mouth…
[i:e2e42e92ff] Jen, I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t kill me to see her with another guy. I’m not even going to pretend that I’m happy that she’s reunited with her ‘soulmate’. But I understand. I think I understand better than you can right now, because in my own way, I love the both of them. But Dawson is her first love. He’s her best friend, and yes, he’s her soulmate. He’s safe and he loves her unconditionally. But just because he’s her first love, doesn’t mean he’s her only love. I love her. And it helps me to believe that, if only for a while, she loved me. And deep down, inside her heart I think she does love me, if only a little. All I asked for was a tiny piece of her heart, and she has all o mine. I may not be able to love again. But all of this doesn’t mean I’m going to sit around until the next time she happens to look my way. I’ll probably love her for quite a while, but there is a reason I left her. And I don’t even know if she understands, which kills me, because she’s the person who knows me best. But as long a she realises that I’ll love her no matter what, or WHO she does, I think I’ll be OK.” [/i:e2e42e92ff]
Jen was speechless, for once. She left me sitting there, wondering about everything I’d just said, without even thinking about it. As she walked away, I wondered why she even bothered coming. She probably thought that it would help but I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t forget it. I remember everything… |
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| that was REALLY GOOD pj!!! more more!! |
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| [u:c46dab50e5]4am[/u:c46dab50e5]
Oh God, I’m crying. God please let her love me, please remind her why she chose me. Oh God, I feel ill. Oh God. Dawson and Joey and Joey. Jesu Christo. I can’t let her go. But what if it’s too late? Ah, damn it. How can i compete with him?Whew, breathe Witter, breathe. I have a feeling that in the mini-saga that is The Life Of Joey Potter, Dawson will always be the hero. Me? The side-kick... but Dawson hates me. The funny guy... except that i’m not exactly feeling funnt right now. Hah! I know! I can be the Ducky. Aye, that’ll be it. Ducky.
You know what? I don’t wanna be Ducky. I HATE Molly Ringwald. She’s taken over my life! Pretty in Pink, 16 Candles, Breakfast Club. Now all I need is a failed engagement or something, then like Ringwald, I can be cast somewhere into movie obscurity, doing Teaching Mrs Tingle as an EXTRA. Not needed, and not cared about. Maybe nobody forgot about Molly Ringwald, but she certainly wasn’t the heroine, you didn’t see her with the hero. And Joey won’t forget me, but what if I’m not the heroine? What if I’m, just her nothing? Not her first love. I’m her first sexually, but love? She loved Dawson. Loves Dawson. Joey’s still the heroine, but I’m not the soulmate. Never will be. But in 5 years, I wanna be the person who knows her best. I only have two goals in life. The other is to be happy about her choice of husband/partner/whatever. The person who knows her best. ME, Pacey J. Witter. Not Dawson Leery. And he should know that, cos them’s fighting words. And I’d fight for her if I had to. |
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